July 22, 2005 // 1:22 a.m.
I don't really post here anymore, but I still read a few journals. If you see this and you use Livejournal or IAM, please let me know.
I may start up a new, more public journal here. I'm not sure.
Here's a recent LJ entry that works better for this format:
Um.....girl power? Rah?
I feel kind of crappy today, and I'm bad at my job. Neither of those things are unusual.
No matter what I did with my hair or clothes or makeup today, I looked fat and homely in the mirror. It's partly a perception problem, and partly honest. This is the person I see in the mirror:
I just spent five minutes staring at that picture and weeping. It's enough to inspire me to anorexia if I had any self-discipline. Which I don't, of course, because if I did I wouldn't be stuck at this shithole of a school, now would I?
Or this... or this.... or even this haunts me:
In my mind, that's not what I look like. In my mind, I'm still this girl:
So it's still a shock when I turn and look in the mirror and I see this greasy cow looking back at me:
It makes me ill, in fact. Knowing that even if I lost one hundred pounds, I've aged and gained and lost so much that I'll never be that girl again. My face is just all shot to hell now. Yay fat wrinkles.
Not that J. wasn't ashamed to be seen with that girl I was four years ago--because he was--but she was at least kind of cute.
Maybe, the voice in the back of my head says, A. didn't reject you because he's stupid or afraid or doesn't appreciate you. maybe you need to come to terms with the fact that you're ass ugly.
You're a perceptive gal, and you don't tell people 90% of your observations because they're so spot on it hurts, and you've learned to keep your mouth shut. Yet you won't admit the things you observe about yourself to yourself. Which is that if you ran into yourself walking down the sidewalk, you'd look away or cross the street.
Honesty. Honesty is key here. Stop deluding yourself.
You hate looking at fat people, you cringe when you look at ugly people, so why, for the love of god why do you keep looking in the mirror as if you're going to see something new this time? It's always the same face. Stop torturing yourself.
3.6 miles -- 500 miles by December 31, 2005